I was reading a discussion on excuses for losing on our table tennis forum when forum member bes
posted a hilarious list of reasons for losing
which neither put you at fault or gave the credit to your opponent.
Once I had finished cleaning the coffee off my monitor, I had a flash of inspiration. After all, who needs more advice on how to win, when what you really need is something that helps you to explain why it wasn't your fault that you lost? And so the Instant Excuse Generator was born...
Benefits of the Instant Excuse Generator
The Instant Excuse Generator is simple and easy to use! It's no charge! It's effective! It's guilt free! No more having to tell your friends that your opponent was just too good on the day, when you know that he really was just lucky to win!
How the Instant Excuse Generator Works
When you are beaten by another player and your friends ask you what happened, just pull out the Instant Excuse Generator and fill in the blanks at random from the selections provided. Hey Presto! The perfect reason for losing in a flash!
I lost today because ____(1) and the/my ____(2) stopped me from/made me ____(3).
I lost today because the poor lighting and my opponent's junk rubber made me get bored.
See - it's quick, easy and effective! No more giving the credit to unworthy opponents!
Selections for Blank (1)
glare off tables; glare off opponent's bald spot; altitude; temperature (cold or hot, your choice...); excess cho-ing; my opponent's lack of fight; my bad glue job; my opponent got too many edges; lack of prize money; concrete floor; there were too many stray balls/lets; I haven't been training lately; I must have over-trained, my feet were really sluggish; I can't play without speed glue; my shoes were giving me blisters; opponent's coach was staring at me; there was too much sweat on the ball; there was too much sweat on the table; there was too much sweat on my rubber; my opponent's illegal serves; my opponent was unbelievably lucky; the poor lighting; lack of warm up; crappy balls; crappy tables; my opponent's "chickenwing" style; my opponent cheated.
Selections for Blank (2)
weird air movement; gravity inversion; unexpected match compression; opponent's glue fumes; cheering parents; biased umpire; opponent's junk rubber; sweat balls; pot smoke; opponent's Dr Neubauer rubbers; sweat on my glasses; athlete's foot; shoulder injury; rubber was coming off the blade; umpire's fault calls; match on adjacent table was too good to miss...; opponent's illegal speed glue; incorrect time table; heavy traffic; incompetent umpire; slippery floor; breeze in the hall; huge meal at the buffet; incorrect seedings; excessive clapping; opponent's sandbagging; heckling from the crowd.
Selections for Blank (3)
dizzy; concentrating; high; fall over; go blind; throw my racket; kick the table; hitting the ball; seeing the ball; forget the score; nauseous; get red carded; give up; get bored; cramp up; rush my shots; miss my match; faint; misread his serves; go postal; pull a muscle; being in the zone; being able to move; lock up; lose in my round robin; get nervous; break my racket.